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How to Help Tweens & Teens Find, Make & Keep Friends
While difficult, making friends is possible. I won't lie, it takes work... a lot of work and a lot of being creative, but if you parent kids with disabilities already this isn't anything new to you. Here's an almost guaranteed way to help your child make friends.
Part of having autism or aspergers is also having "restricted" "intense" or "stereotypical" interests. In my home, my oldest (Mitchell) is a Civil War buff, digital art guru and enjoys computer animation. My son with autism (Ian) is currently into UFO's, unproven monsters like Big Foot, and anything related to animals.
Aspergers and autism also lend themselves to keeping children isolated, as our kids might prefer to enjoy their interests alone at times... experience has taught me this is only seemingly true... they don't prefer it - they simply don't know how to share their experiences or translate their interests into socially important activities.
Enter the Grassroots Mama way of thinking, which is pretty simple and darn effective...
When my son started displaying symptoms similar to that of depression, mixed with anxiety, swirled in with low self-esteem and covered in lack of self-identity, I was beside myself with stress.
What was I going to do? I can do a lot for my son but I can't make friends for him. I can't buy friends and I can't rent them. I can't beg, bribe or beat other children into becoming friends with my son and the helplessness was taking a toll on me, while the isolation was taking a toll on him.
It was terrible.
That's when something occurred to me.
It's a good thing to have an intense interest. As a matter of fact, it's a great thing to have an intense interest; this is the quality that makes someone 'an expert'. This is the quality that allows someone to be a leader and teacher. This is also the dynamic that almost ALL social activities are based on: an intense interest, which is shared amongst those in the group or activity.
It was then I decided: No More!
No more listening to those that say: Mitchell needs to vary his interests
No more wishing his interests were different
No more pushing him into uncomfortable situations for the sake of neurotypical peer interaction
No more feeling helpless
What became dramatically clear to me was that my son was social; he was interested in talking, playing, sharing and hanging out with other kids, he simply needed kids that shared his interests and activities surrounding them.
So I started special interest clubs:
A bowling club
A gaming club
A board-game & pizza party club
A Family Fishing Derby
A reading/craft club
A library club
All these clubs were heavily utilized. All of them had a special interest as the focus. All the children had a blast and ZERO needed social supports/adult assistance or alike during their activities; they helped each other and they welcomed each others advice.
Mitchell, this year, started a Civil War Club - at his school, and guess what? It's full of neurotypical peers that think the Civil War is just as cool as Mitch. They play games, watch movies and want to take part in a reenactment, so without help he's managed to do the 'socially appropriate' and 'developmentally unlikely'.
I just found a UFO watcher/hunter group for young adults and teens - how's that for an interest?!?
My point is that we spend SO much time trying to help our children fit in, be like their peers and have perfect social graces when, in reality and in my less-than-humble opinion, we're going about it all wrong.
We have to take the wonderful parts of our children and work with them, and that includes their limited interests. This interest is the gateway to socialization; to sharing a passion and becoming an expert - not becoming an odd social recluse.
So forget your old way of thinking. Take your childs interest and use that as your launching pad for social events and activities. You'll find other children share those interests and your child isn't so "odd" after all. Best of all, your child will feel like they aren't so different after all.
I've seen this action and I'm talking from five years of experience using this method. Does my son still struggle? Yes. Does he still wish his friendships were more interpersonal? Yes. But he also wakes up on club days feeling empowered, excited and popular, and there's nothing better then seeing that except feeling it.
What's your position - does your child want, need, or ask about friends and friendships? How do you handle it, and what do you do with/for your kiddo?
Part of having autism or aspergers is also having "restricted" "intense" or "stereotypical" interests. In my home, my oldest (Mitchell) is a Civil War buff, digital art guru and enjoys computer animation. My son with autism (Ian) is currently into UFO's, unproven monsters like Big Foot, and anything related to animals.
Aspergers and autism also lend themselves to keeping children isolated, as our kids might prefer to enjoy their interests alone at times... experience has taught me this is only seemingly true... they don't prefer it - they simply don't know how to share their experiences or translate their interests into socially important activities.
Enter the Grassroots Mama way of thinking, which is pretty simple and darn effective...
When my son started displaying symptoms similar to that of depression, mixed with anxiety, swirled in with low self-esteem and covered in lack of self-identity, I was beside myself with stress.
What was I going to do? I can do a lot for my son but I can't make friends for him. I can't buy friends and I can't rent them. I can't beg, bribe or beat other children into becoming friends with my son and the helplessness was taking a toll on me, while the isolation was taking a toll on him.
It was terrible.
That's when something occurred to me.
It's a good thing to have an intense interest. As a matter of fact, it's a great thing to have an intense interest; this is the quality that makes someone 'an expert'. This is the quality that allows someone to be a leader and teacher. This is also the dynamic that almost ALL social activities are based on: an intense interest, which is shared amongst those in the group or activity.
It was then I decided: No More!
No more listening to those that say: Mitchell needs to vary his interests
No more wishing his interests were different
No more pushing him into uncomfortable situations for the sake of neurotypical peer interaction
No more feeling helpless
What became dramatically clear to me was that my son was social; he was interested in talking, playing, sharing and hanging out with other kids, he simply needed kids that shared his interests and activities surrounding them.
So I started special interest clubs:
A bowling club
A gaming club
A board-game & pizza party club
A Family Fishing Derby
A reading/craft club
A library club
All these clubs were heavily utilized. All of them had a special interest as the focus. All the children had a blast and ZERO needed social supports/adult assistance or alike during their activities; they helped each other and they welcomed each others advice.
Mitchell, this year, started a Civil War Club - at his school, and guess what? It's full of neurotypical peers that think the Civil War is just as cool as Mitch. They play games, watch movies and want to take part in a reenactment, so without help he's managed to do the 'socially appropriate' and 'developmentally unlikely'.
I just found a UFO watcher/hunter group for young adults and teens - how's that for an interest?!?
My point is that we spend SO much time trying to help our children fit in, be like their peers and have perfect social graces when, in reality and in my less-than-humble opinion, we're going about it all wrong.
We have to take the wonderful parts of our children and work with them, and that includes their limited interests. This interest is the gateway to socialization; to sharing a passion and becoming an expert - not becoming an odd social recluse.
So forget your old way of thinking. Take your childs interest and use that as your launching pad for social events and activities. You'll find other children share those interests and your child isn't so "odd" after all. Best of all, your child will feel like they aren't so different after all.
I've seen this action and I'm talking from five years of experience using this method. Does my son still struggle? Yes. Does he still wish his friendships were more interpersonal? Yes. But he also wakes up on club days feeling empowered, excited and popular, and there's nothing better then seeing that except feeling it.
What's your position - does your child want, need, or ask about friends and friendships? How do you handle it, and what do you do with/for your kiddo?
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